Photo by Michael S. Wright
This was going to be a post about the New Moon, desire and self-care. However, I have just come home from the Children's Hospital, where I spent the whole evening. They thought my kid might have appendicitis, when I called the health helpline. Luckily it turned out to be just strep throat. I am observing the emotions of the past four hours, and I feel so grateful for the practice, and the ability to stay centered. Going to a bodyflow class, before I realized that the stomach pain was serious, also helped. The openness I feel after class stayed with me through this flow of events too.
Tonight, there has been some fear, gratitude for the privilege of insurance (and the sadness that this is a privilege, and not a right in the US), and for living a few blocks from one of the best children's hospitals in the country. There has been anxiety, shame from the notion that I 'should' have known what was wrong because I am a 'mom', managing being 'mommed' non-consensually by staff, more gratitude for the competence of said staff when dealing with my daughter, awareness of our white privilege, irritation, and exhaustion at having to rally every last bit of energy to be the caring rock for a little person, at the end of a long day, after a bad night's sleep.
Now there is just a large smile on my face, because my child is fine and just needs some antibiotics, which I can easily access. I feel blessed, tired and sad that this is not as easy for many parents, because some people decided that health was not a human right for everyone in this 'first-world' nation. I am babbling, and I need to go back to center. Because tomorrow it starts all over again, this deep joy of parenting, this privilege to look after a precious human life, this exhausting endeavor that I would not give up for anything in the world. In fact, it goes on through the night, as we breathe and hope that all is calm, that her body can rest, while sending up a prayer with every breath: "may every child be healthy, may every child be safe".