Sometimes I get glimpses of what that looks like: I give myself a break from the 'shoulds' and 'musts' that pepper my days, I smile at my image in the mirror and remember that I am a precious human being, just because. I need more of that. I need to ground this sense of worth deep in my bones so that it can settle there for those days when I feel that doing is all I am and yet I have no strength to do anything. Because, you see, at the bottom of my story, there is this fear of being seen and found inadequate, and that is what so many of the walls are for. My actions, my achievements, even my words can create an edifice in which to hide my vulnerability, my deeply human fear of being found to be imperfect and maybe even unlovable. Yet, as Mary Oliver says (and I am so grateful to Teri for reminding me), I do not have to be good to find my place "in the family of things". So tonight I breathe, and soon I will go to bed. It was a good day. There was exercise, there was work, there were projects dear to my heart, there was a doctor's visit, blood work and there is a prescription for testosterone in my pocket. New adventures await, new beginnings of the same story. Yet all that matters right now is the call to rest, to be present to the tiredness of the soft animal of my body and to know the rightness of tending to this moment.
Photo by Michael S. Wright