Photo by Michael S. Wright
I finally watched Black Swan. It was disturbing, beautiful and absorbing. It also reminded me when I believed that there might be sanctuary in perfection. This was not the Zen perfection of being present here and now, in the unity of body and mind. The perfection I was striving for was about control over myself, and circumstances. Maybe, if I could be perfect, than everything else would follow: safety, joy, wholeness, love... However, perfection is hard to attain, because the kind I was looking for was, by definition, attainable. No matter how good my grades were, whether I went to Mass everyday or ate the least amount of calories possible, there was always a new goal around the corner. Needless to say I did not find healing, safety, love or joy this way. I got lucky, though, very lucky and somehow I slowly stopped looking.
Funny thing is, once I stopped looking (at least for some of the time), perfection seemed to be everywhere. Today was one of those perfect days. I got up and exercised. I enjoyed driving back to the city, listening to my remarkable daughter chat away with her amazing friend. I ate fluffy pancakes, drank iced chai and sat in the sunshine in my favorite park. I noticed dandelions everywhere, and violets growing unexpectedly in my front yard. I tickled and hugged my child. I enjoyed sweet potato soup. I watched a movie with my beloved husband and I remembered that my life is, indeed, perfect and that I am a very fortunate bastard indeed. The house still needs cleaning and my emails are definitely ahead of my capacity to respond. There is always more to do than I seem able to keep up with and I am so grateful for this privilege, for this life and, right in this moment, for the bed I am about to rest in.