Photo by Michael S. Wright
It is weird to go through some changes at 40 years old. It might not be the most poetic way to express it, but right now it feels accurate. Today I noticed my sweat smells differently. I don't know how to sing anymore, or even how to speak, as my voice keeeps cracking. I am equal part excited and horrified, at the changes brought on by testosterone. Parts of me feel a little disoriented in this landscape. You see, I never hated my body, or even being a girl. I did not always understand the dissonance between my own sense of self, and how others saw me. Now, on a good day, I no longer care. I work on having plenty of good days. As my body becomes a more authentic expression of my queer gender identity, I ease into me, tranny fag ftw.
Sometimes though, there is loss. Like tonight, going to watch an hilarious movie ("Bridsemaids", yes, really), with two wonderful friends, and eating too much candy. Tonight I miss the sense of belonging within an easily identifiable category. Tonight I miss the camaraderie of women, even though it was never really mine to miss. I never fit into it. Maybe I just miss the illusion of belonging. Because, even as I write this, I know how fragile it was. I remember how hard I worked at creating femininity, and how odd it felt. And I wonder if it ever feels easy to anyone. Maybe that is why romantic comedies and 'chick flicks' are such a draw. Maybe we all like to imagine that this heteronormative dance we are expected to perform is easy for someone, even if it is only characters on a screen. Or maybe I just ate too many sweets and I feel odd, because today my sweat smells funny.